I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
