I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
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