My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
