dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
