i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
