apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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