After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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