Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
