i just wanna soil my oats bro
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
