Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
