life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
