I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
