I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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