I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
