if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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