I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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