I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
