Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
