alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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