As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
