i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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