Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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