So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
