I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
