Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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