I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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