i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
