walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
These tits shall not be calmed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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