If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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