Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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