The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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