Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sorry about my life...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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