She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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