just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
