Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
