She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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