First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
