Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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