When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
