So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
