No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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