She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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