I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He felt like a one man threesome
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
