The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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