I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
