I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
