Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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