Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
