She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
