is your mom at the bar?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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