He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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