6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
