Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
