All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
