i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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