You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
