you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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