Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
