Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
